Repeated loss…words I never knew held so much pain and anger until that became my very own label. What a fancy way to tell the world that you cannot seem to keep a pregnancy “viable” (another medical term I have grown to detest). Hi, I’m Sara, and I suffer from “repeated loss”. Is this really my life? If the medical world can call an ice cream headache Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia couldn’t SOMEONE come up with a more palpable term than repeated loss?!?
As I sit here, it is the anniversary of the day I naturally began to miscarry our third baby, two days before the scheduled (and my second) DNC. Ironically, today also happens to be the first day of my cycle which is uncharacteristically heavy…I feel like I am being punished. This was our third baby, and our third loss.
I started this blog today because there are so many emotions running through my mind. Today I have cried, hysterically, at least ten times. I have also watched a record 10 episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Normally I would feel guilty for being so unproductive but today…today I am giving myself permission to GRIEVE. My poor husband, bless him, asks me how I am feeling and all I can say is “sad”. How can I possibly sum up what is going on in this crazy body/mind of mine right now? How can I tell him that every time I go to the bathroom and change my pad (because since the last DNC tampons don’t cut it) I relive that day one year ago (and 1.5 years ago….and 2 years ago…)? It’s like PTSD every time I go to the bathroom. As if our periods weren’t torture enough, am I right ladies?!?
Anywhoo, I digress…I started this blog because I needed a place to honestly share my feelings and thoughts on living with “repeated loss”, and although I am sure no one will read this, the thought that maybe someone out there might identify with my story and feel some sort of relief in the kinship gives me a ray of hope and a reason.