Today I went for my second saline sonogram to check up on my good ol’ curvy uterus. My first saline sonogram happened about a year ago following the routine HSG (which, ladies, is VERY painful and you should take the day off from work and not drive back to school in the rain and teach all day in Newark!!!!!) which showed some shading. The initial saline sonogram also showed shading, and so I was sent to a surgeon to get a better look and clear the pipes, so to speak.
When I met with the surgeon (this was a year ago) it was the oddest experience. He was an older man, extremely nice, but he had this porcelain egg collection in the back of his office. I could NOT stop staring at these eggs…there were hundreds of them. Big eggs, small eggs, eggs of various different colors on the most peculiar little stands. Who makes those stands?? Is there a market big enough to sustain an entire company in making porcelain egg stands? There can’t be. Are there people other than this man who collect THIS MANY porcelain eggs? Lemon nets!
Anywhoo, as I am sitting in the surgeon’s office desperately trying to think of ANYTHING other than porcelain eggs, and who makes their stands the (again) very very nice older man starts drawing uteruses on his little white notepad. Now…I REALIZE I was in the office of a fertility surgeon, and fertility involves the female organs, but COME ON. There is something SO ODD about a man that could be my grandfather drawing uteruses on paper. Am I right? Right?!?
On his little white notepad he showed me all of the possible reasons for the shading that showed up during my HSG and saline sonogram. Two options I remember were that I had a septum (where parts of you that were supposed to dissolve didn’t dissolve or something like that) or a curvy uterus. The surgeon was 99% sure I had a septum, and that was something he could correct during surgery. Added bonus-this would explain why we had suffered so many losses. The babies wouldn’t have gotten the blood supply they needed to survive and grow. I was excited.
During the surgery, as it turned out, there was no septum. The truth was that I had a curvy uterus….and some polyps, which they removed. For some reason this really bothered me. I was almost ashamed. I think it stems back to my constant battle with my weight, and the pressure to be thin and healthy. The pressure to look and act like what I perceived to be “normal”. The word curvy really struck a nerve. Was my uterus FAT? Great…another part of me that isn’t thin and perfect. To make matters worse, what I thought would be the answer, the cause of the “repeated losses” turned out to be something that does not impact pregnancy in the slightest. I was devastated.
Isn’t that sick? I was devastated that my body didn’t have something TRULY wrong with it that needed to be surgically fixed. I would rather have had the doctor need to cut apart my body INSIDE my uterus than have the label of a “curvy uterus”. I understand the urge to want an answer, still to this day I feel that. However, it makes me sad to look back on the woman who was ashamed of her curves (inside and out).
Fast forward to today, my second saline sonogram. The doctor gave us the good news that this curvy uterus is healthy, polyp free, and ready to begin the IVF journey. It’s taken me a while, but I am beginning to love my body-flaws and all. Through this fertility marathon I am able to see that there is SO MUCH that happens to a woman’s body every single month. What we go through is amazing, and should be celebrated, not hidden in shame. I guess I have found my silver lining to all of this pain. Without our struggle, who knows if I would have begun to repair the relationship with myself and my body?
Now, my curvy uterus and I are going to enjoy a lovely meal with the love of our lives.