It’s been a while since I have written, truthfully every time I sat in front of the computer my nerves kept me from typing. I am 25 weeks pregnant with our baby boy…and I am scared it will somehow turn out to not be real.
Typing that thought brings me so much relief. <deep breath>
We’ve been through so much on this journey. The loss, the victories. Just like with anything in life, I hold on to the loss and it stays with me longer than the victories. This is the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy, but I still struggle to immerse myself in happiness about it. I see some mothers walking around with their cute little bumps, embracing every moment….chatting away about birth plans and registries…but every time I am asked a question I hesitate. I hesitate because I don’t know if I should talk about it. I don’t know if I am allowed to be one of those mothers, blissfully engulfed in my pregnancy. I wear baggy clothes and try to hide because I don’t know if tomorrow something will happen, and I will lose my precious baby boy.
Don’t get me wrong…it’s not as if I am walking around in a perpetual state of morbid fear. There are more times than most where I feel perfectly happy, and I am excited about the life growing inside of me. It’s just that there is a large part of me that hesitates to share that joy with others because of my fear. In fact, it wasn’t until I could feel my baby boy move (and share those movements) that I felt comfortable(ish) talking to my husband about the future with our baby.
I know my fear is not unwarranted. When we were waiting for our blood test results after Henry’s abnormal nuchal translucency test we were both terrified. Terrified and devastated. The waiting game is so painful…and how could this be happening after everything we have been through?!
During that time my cousin Kelly gave me some great advice. She went through something similar with her twins, and she told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to connect with him. Did she know that I was? She told me to find quiet times during the day to talk to Henry while rubbing my belly…and I did. Now when I spend these quiet moments with my son, my fear is transformed for a little while and I feel like I am a part of something incredible and happy, and purely beautiful…no fear. When he moves or kicks and I feel him I can’t believe the peace that washes over me. Without even knowing it my face becomes one huge smile.
This led me to prenatal yoga (which I HIGHLY recommend) where I spend a little over an hour connecting with my baby while stretching out all of the body parts that are in a tizzy because of his growing body.
The fear is still there. It doesn’t help that I am addicted to shows like “Call the Midwife” where people suffer miscarriages late into their pregnancies. Change the channel, Sara! I think the fear will be there until I am holding him in my arms, but I also think that he knows about my feelings and does his best to make mommy feel better. There have been many times when the fear starts to creep back in, and I feel him moving around as if to say “Mommy…I am still here!”.
My goal moving forward is to EMBRACE my pregnancy, and live in the moment with my baby boy. After all, he is my miracle and what is happening inside my body is nothing short of amazing.